My Semi-Epiphany

As a person the Hybrid Husband still makes mistakes.  I am not immune to the human appetite, to human needs and wants.  My mind works in much the same way as your's does.  And as a human being, with a fallible intellect, I sometimes project my wants on to other people.  In other words, I create a mental image of who I think someone is and then, when that person does not respond in the way that I want, I get upset and change the mental picture again to correspond with the perceived slight.  I do this a lot.  I create mental images constantly.  It's a difficult habit to break.

The closest person in my life - emotionally and physically - is my wife.  And the most detailed mental image of a person I have created is "her".  This image has been in the making for over eleven years and includes all my interactions with "her".  It includes both imagined disappointments and assumed delights.  Constantly, I am comparing this colossal abstract mental Rachel with the Rachel right in front of me.  If her current interaction coincides with what I want I am happy, if it does not I am either angry or sad.  But it's all built on a mental image.  It's all rubbish that I choose to carry around.  She is who she is, no matter how I think she should be or who I think she can be.

And that's my semi-epiphany.  I say "semi" because I am still human and still learning.  I know my habits will rear their ugly head again so I am careful with my words and hesitant to say I'm reformed.  But I know that I have to let my wife be who she is instead of trying to make her be what I want.  It's all said in the statement, "If you love something, let it go..."  I am willing to let go of my expectations.  I am willing to end the control.  I am very willing to let go of the paranoia, the jealousies, the bitterness, and just let her be.  And at the same time, let the world be.  It's not easy.  It might take a lifetime to perfect, but I have all the time in the world to practice.

Thanks for reading.

Peace Out,

Nathan J.